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DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started dating a man who is very sweet and thoughtful. He takes me out to nice places and always brings me home.
He often comes in and sits down to watch TV or something before heading home. He is sweet and kind. When we are sitting on the couch, he often takes off his shoes, and that’s when the problem starts.
His feet stink. For real. It looks like his socks are clean, so it’s not a cleanliness issue — at least to my knowledge. But when those socks come off, I nearly gag.
He has been single for a long time. I wonder how well he tends to himself.
Again, he seems clean, but who can tell? Should I say something? I really can’t stand the smell.
Smelly Feet
DEAR SMELLY FEET: You could be right. As sweet as this man is, he may not be aware of his hygiene deficiency.
This is not a reason to distance yourself from him. Your speaking up may bring you closer.
Yes, you should talk to him. Tell him you have noticed that when he takes off his shoes, his feet smell. Ask him how he takes care of his feet. Treat him to a couples pedicure if you like that kind of thing. After that, see if the smell goes away.
Yes, it will be awkward at first when you bring it up. But you have to address it and hopefully get him to pay closer attention.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother-in-law has dementia, and she recently suffered a massive stroke. She is not doing well. We have hired around-the-clock care for her and are even paying my husband’s sister to lend an extra hand.
As my mother-in-law’s condition worsens, my sister-in-law and the nurse we hired have had to take on more responsibility.
Understandably, we had to up the nurse’s pay in order to keep her. My sister-in-law found out about this and is now demanding higher pay as well.
I can’t understand why she feels entitled to a raise for taking care of her own dying mother.
She is not my mother, but I am paying out of pocket to make sure she is receiving the best end-of-life care that she can get. Are we wrong for refusing to pay her more?
Selfish Sister-in-Law
DEAR SELFISH SISTER-IN-LAW: Tensions fly high during times like this. Do your best not to lash out at your sister-in-law — even though it may seem as if she is not looking at the big picture.
If possible, it would be good for your husband, her brother, to speak to her. If not, it will be your job.
What she needs to understand is that now is the time for everyone to do their part. For whatever reason, she has enough spare time right now to care for her mother. That is the way that she can be present and support her in her last days. Of course it is hard, but that is what her station in life calls for right now.
You and your husband have the monetary resources to allow you to pay for professional support for this period. That can be exorbitantly expensive. If that nurse were not there, it is unlikely that your sister-in-law would be able to properly care for your mother. Remind her of these things.
Point out that you all love her mom, and everyone is serving a different role. Her contribution is time. Yours and your husband’s is financial — and hopefully some time, too. Refresh her memory that you are already giving her money for her time, but resources are limited.
Ask her to understand where everyone is and to stay the course. Thank her profusely for her support of her mother.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Harriette Cole