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DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and her boyfriend got into a really bad argument while we were all hanging out the other day.
Some of the things he said to her were really shocking. He called her degrading names and raised his voice at her. It got so bad that I ended up arguing with her boyfriend, too.
He apologized to my friend and me, but I definitely can’t look at him the same anymore. I don’t think a woman should ever be spoken to the way he spoke to her. I can only imagine how bad their arguments must get in private.
How do I express my concerns to my friend without overstepping?
Concerned For Her Safety
DEAR CONCERNED FOR HER SAFETY: Tread lightly. People rarely listen to criticism about their partners, even when it seems obvious to you.
Since the argument did happen in your presence, you can approach the situation from your perspective. Tell your friend that you continue to be disturbed by the argument that you witnessed the other day. Describe how it made you feel. Tell her how upset you were during and after it and how worried you were for her safety. Admit that you have never experienced anything so volatile before, and it shook you.
Ask her how she is doing, and what their relationship status is. Inquire as to how often they argue.
See if she will talk about how she felt during the argument and how she is feeling now. Check in to see if she intends to stay with him. While you cannot control her actions, you can establish your boundaries. If you feel unsafe around him, tell her you do not want to be in his company anymore.
Explain why. Then, don’t give in. Let her know he is not welcome in your home, and you will not put yourself in situations in close proximity to him. That may wake her up.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently went to an event hosted by a young woman I know. It was beautiful to see so many young professionals out there doing their thing, but it was also jarring. I have been somewhat isolated in my own world, and I feel like life is passing me by.
I am at least 30 years older than most of the other women at this event. I looked around in awe to see a whole new crop of promising professionals, and it made me both happy and sad. I was happy to see the potential in them and frightened to realize how old I am and how disengaged I am from the pulse of things.
I’m not trying to be young and hip, but I do want to stay in the flow of energy and creativity that I witnessed that evening. How can I do that?
Offbeat
DEAR OFFBEAT: I’m sure you are grateful that your young friend invited you to her event. That, by the way, is proof that younger people do see and respect you.
Hopefully, you bonded with some of the people you met. That’s how you start. Invite one or more of them to coffee or drinks. Learn more about who they are and what their interests are. Begin a cross-generational dialogue where everyone’s insights and opinions are valued.
Follow up with your friend and tell her how much you enjoyed your evening. Let her know that you would like to attend more events with her dynamic colleagues. Put yourself out there by going to events, joining cultural groups and being with others. Make the effort, and doors will continue to open.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Harriette Cole