amy1500px
Dear Amy: I dated a man for only a month in 2020. It was obviously not long-term. I was the one who broke it off. I have not contacted him since.
Recently, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in a long time, and I noticed that he has been messaging me over the course of the last two years — and as recently as last week (which is odd since he has my phone number).
It’s clear that he wants to get back together, but I have no interest in reconnecting with him.
I’m now wondering if I should tell him the reasons I broke off the relationship.
Telling him would be purely selfish and therapeutic (for me). I never told him all the things that bothered me, and if I did now, I’d finally be able to get it off my chest.
Additionally, maybe he’ll be willing to take this feedback for what it is?
I’m not claiming I can change him, but what if my feedback helps? It’s clear he’s not had much luck maintaining a committed relationship (based on all the messages I’ve received over the years), so maybe he’ll be willing to listen?
However, I hesitate for a few reasons.
The truth will sound harsh — because it is.
At the top of the list is that he was immature, racist and unscrupulous (i.e., stealing from his job), along with a laundry list of other terrible behavior.
I wonder if I’m even the right person to tell him these things. I only knew him for a month, so perhaps I’m being too judgmental?
Should I just let him continue on his own journey?
Hesitant
Dear Hesitant: Helpful feedback might be: “You’re late too often. Your hygiene needs improvement. Your roommates are rude.”
This guy’s infractions (aside from his immaturity) are all things he already knows are wrong — because we all know they’re wrong. He’s racist. He’s a thief.
Feedback in this context would only be a recitation of your own values. Self-improvement is not on the horizon for him — unless he expresses a desire for it, which he doesn’t seem to have done.
He is messaging you because he can. Your lack of response doesn’t seem to discourage him.
I suggest that you continue not to respond, consider blocking him, and hope that he is messaging you on FB because he has lost your number.
Dear Amy: I recently became debt-free, thanks to about eight years of hard work.
The person I am dating has been asking me how they can become debt-free.
I’ve explained multiple times how I did this, offering all the free resources I have used, but they keep bringing it up as though we’ve never had the conversation.
Last week, when I was asked again, I just offered no advice and just listened to a recitation of the emotional issues surrounding their debt.
I didn’t say anything.
I wonder, how can I be of help without endlessly repeating myself?
Not in Debt David
Dear David: Congratulations on achieving this enviable state. You’ve dedicated almost a decade to the long and slow climb out of debt, and you are absolutely justified in feeling very proud.
On many levels, being in debt is something like being trapped in an addiction. The addicted person can be very interested in or intrigued by recovery, but until they take concrete steps of their own, recovery cannot begin.
By discussing this with you, this person is temporarily relieving the pressure caused by the state of indebtedness, but rather than using you as a sounding board, your date might explore a group like Debtors Anonymous, where they can receive ongoing support, as well as encouragement, to face their debt.
Hand your date a teaspoon to start the process of digging out, and send them a link to Debtorsanonymous.org.
Dear Amy: Readers are mad because you didn’t call password sharing for streaming services theft!
Good grief, Charlie Brown. First, it’s not theft. It’s my password and account, and I can share it. Some households split the streaming costs to combine services.
It’s only theft if you give someone’s password and login information away without their knowledge. I think your detractors are a bunch of whiners.
Derek
Dear Derek: Readers saw sharing passwords as “theft,” essentially stealing from the streaming service companies. (People are very protective of their profit margins.)
Video streaming services are starting to limit the number of users who can share an account.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
Originally published at Amy Dickinson