Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my girlfriend for a little over two years. We are madly in love, respect each other and communicate well; basically, we both seem to have hit the relationship jackpot.
However, there is one thing I am hiding from her, and I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or even reveal it.
Now and then, we play a simple, low-stakes card game. At the start of each turn, you can remove cards from a discard pile, but doing so is always a mistake, as you lose the opportunity to get cards you may need to win.
Since my girlfriend doesn’t like her pile being “messy,” she always takes from the discard pile. It doesn’t appear that she realizes that this is a losing strategy.
I’ve thought about pointing it out, but we are each other’s only competition, so why would I divulge strategies? For love reasons? I’m in it to win it.
Should I feel guilty?
GENTLE READER: What are you planning to say 15 years from now when your then-wife figures it out?
“I wanted to win” is unlikely to be received with affection. “I knew you would eventually get it without my help; I’m so proud of you” is worse. And feeling guilty about leaving her in the dark accomplishes nothing.
The question you should be asking is: How do I tell her?
Miss Manners suggests doing it in an offhand way, so that when she asks why it took you so long to say something, you can have some hope of getting away with, “I don’t know. We just play for fun. I never gave it much thought.” If you do not want to then feel guilty about lying to her, perhaps it’s time to learn a new game.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m in the very enviable position of having recently received significant promotions and pay raises. In addition, I have always lived well below my means.
I have an absolutely wonderful gardener who is not raising his prices this year, despite inflation. I fear it is because he thinks he will lose business if he does, but I cannot imagine how difficult it is to take care of his growing family with the rising costs of fuel, food, etc.
I want to give him a large seasonal bonus (over and above his year-end/Christmas gift) or add a surcharge/gratuity to each of his bills, but I don’t want to offend him.
GENTLE READER: The best way not to offend him, Miss Manners feels certain, is to treat this as the business transaction that it is, not as charity.
Even though contractors typically name their price, you are still the employer. Tell him how pleased you have always been with his work and that you would like to raise the rate you pay to $X. He may be surprised, but he will have no reason to be offended.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin