Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a bachelor party that is being held on a weekend cruise. The guests are responsible for paying for their own cruise reservations, which cost $400 per person.
I confided in a family member that I thought it was rather gauche for a couple in their 50s, who live together, to have a bachelor party at all, and that it seemed completely outrageous to plan an extravagantly expensive party and expect guests to pay for it.
I was informed that these types of trips are commonplace pre-wedding festivities and that I was out of touch to consider it rude.
I defer to Miss Manners’ expertise: Is this a reasonable and expected form for a bachelor party? Or is this host out of line?
GENTLE READER: Whoever described the practice of sticking guests with large expenses as “commonplace” should probably avoid accusing others of being out of touch.
And on the subject of things not to say, Miss Manners hopes that the family member you confided in has no relation to the would-be host you accused of rudeness. Issuing pay-your-own-way invitations is rude, but so is saying so (to anyone other than an immediate confidant, well out of the host’s hearing).
There is no need to reprimand the would-be host — other, of course, than politely declining his invitation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a pretty small person and I cannot eat a lot. I usually eat about half of my food at restaurants, and that is entirely enough for me.
Often a waiter, while clearing my plate, will comment on how little I ate. I find myself explaining that I was happy with my food, but that I don’t eat much in general. What could I say that would be better than defending myself?
GENTLE READER: Waitstaff are not supposed to make such inquiries. But perhaps they are trying to live up to the restaurant’s idea of making you feel like one of the family — without stopping to consider that the clientele might be eating out to avoid being nagged to clean their plate.
Miss Manners would not patronize such establishments, but, if you must, you need only say, “Thank you, I’m done.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Usually when I’m invited to a gathering, I will offer to bring a dish.
I’m wondering if this could be a faux pas. Is it?
I do it as a way of being helpful, and because it’s an expectation in my family’s culture. However, outside of my family, I sometimes get the sense that the hostess is annoyed or almost insulted by my offer.
Am I overstepping by offering? Should I wait to be asked?
GENTLE READER: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. If Miss Manners answered more questions than were asked, she hopes you will excuse her enthusiasm.
While she does not doubt your good intentions, consider how it might be perceived by a host who spent a good deal of time and effort preparing an evening for you, only to hear — between the lines of your offer — that those preparations were in some way lacking.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin