Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband grew up in a home where reading over someone’s shoulder was considered rude and caused bristling and umbrage.
I did not grow up with the same rule, but I can easily refrain from reading over his shoulder when the media involved is printing.
My problem occurs when we’re on the couch watching television together and he’s reading on his tablet. To my eyes and brain, there are two screens available, grabbing my attention.
I have made the mistake of noticing what is on his smaller screen and asking about it.
I will redouble my efforts to inquire, “What are you reading?” rather than commenting on what I can see.
Are there other suggestions for managing my wandering eyes while on the couch?
GENTLE READER: Sit farther apart?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an elected official. Where I serve, it is the custom for elected officials to be addressed by their titles — for example, “councilor” — but for staff to be addressed by their first names.
It feels inappropriate for me to be called by my title and then to use first names for other professionals. On the other hand, I feel ridiculous calling people “Mr.” or “Ms.” when everyone else is using first names.
You have written, “It has always been Miss Manners’ belief that respect demands addressing people as they wish to be addressed.” If I asked a staff member what they preferred to be called, my assumption is that they would say their first name, but I’m not ready to ask because I feel it would be odd.
Additionally, if I continue using “Mr.” and “Ms.,” it would likely only affect a few people.
GENTLE READER: As an elected official, you are expected to be a leader, are you not? So why should you feel ridiculous not following what everyone else is doing, if you think it is wrong?
And it is wrong not to accord respect to your staff.
They will not tell you so. For one thing, they are your subordinates. For another, they may believe that informality makes them seem younger, friendlier and more like your equal. (But again — they are not your friends, however cordial the relationship. They are not equal in the workplace; they are your staff.)
There will likely be much joshing about how old-fashioned you are being. But in fact, the opposite is true.
Traditionally, high-ranking people were addressed with titles, whereas those seen as inferior were addressed with their names — not just servants and other employees, but all Black people and (except socially) women. That everyone must be treated with respect is a modern concept, however muddied by the concept of universal informality.
There is a reason for a bit of formality in professional manners: If terms of address in the workplace reflected people’s true emotions about one another, good or bad, there probably wouldn’t be much work getting done.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin