Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are planning a wedding, and have far more loved ones we would like to invite than the venue (and our budget) will allow. For that reason, we reluctantly constructed “A” and “B” guest lists.
The “A” list was composed primarily of local members of our two large families, plus very close friends who are members of the wedding party. The people on the “B” list are equally loved and valued friends, plus more distant relatives. The idea was that as regrets arrived from the “A” list, we would be able to extend invitations to those on the “B” list.
But then, etiquette disaster: We were using an online platform to collect address information for the guests, and unfortunately, about 25 friends and family on the “B” list received invitations.
Yikes! What do we do?
GENTLE READER: It will not convince your somewhat-near-and-dear — and therefore will not convince Miss Manners — to argue that you did not send the invitations, the computer did. Taking responsibility for events that (you will argue) were not your fault used to be understood to be the occasional burden of being an adult.
One of the rules of having a “B” list is never admitting that you do, which would pose a problem even if you were not contemplating another etiquette no-no: rescinding an invitation. The polite thing to do is to change your plans, including the venue, so that you can accommodate all your guests.
Miss Manners realizes that such a suggestion is scandalous because it assumes that the feelings of your friends and relatives are more important than The Bride’s Day or the wedding planner’s itinerary.
However, Miss Manners will bow to modern sensibilities enough to suggest a compromise: Apologetically reissue the invitations — to everyone — to a revised event, which you will now have to host, albeit on a much-reduced scale.
If even this proves to be too much of a challenge, consider eloping and never returning.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son permits his cat to eat and rest on his kitchen table. This is very unpleasant to me, especially at our mealtime.
He finds my distaste for this behavior amusing and he refuses to remove the cat. Am I wrong to take my meal elsewhere to dine?
GENTLE READER: Was that not what your son intended?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a gathering where someone forgot her glasses, I volunteered to take them to her. While doing so, I accidentally dropped them in the street at night and they got run over by a car. What is my financial responsibility?
GENTLE READER: Before we get to that, you have some apologizing to do.
Miss Manners realizes your intentions were good, but the unfortunate result is that you have deprived this person of something of presumably vital importance that may be troublesome to replace.
You may need to offer logistical and, yes, financial help in replacing them — more if you add to the annoyance by blurting out the hilarious story of how the old pair ended up under the car.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin