Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while ago, we had a reception after our daughter’s baptism. As sometimes happens, the guest list spiraled out of control due to the “if we invite them, then we have to invite so-and-so” principle.
My wife did a magnificent job planning and hosting this event but exhausted herself by making sure that for every day that any guests were in town, she cooked a full meal for them.
Now, our daughter is about to have her second birthday. My wife asked if we could skip having a birthday party, with her explanation being that if you throw any sort of party, no matter how informal, you must provide a full meal for the guests. (Only one person would be coming from out of town for this; everyone else is local.)
My experience has been that a child’s birthday party need involve nothing but cake and a beverage, but I was raised by notoriously informal parents. I don’t want my daughter to miss out, but I don’t want my wife to resent “having” to cook meals, either.
Is this rule my wife articulates really a rule? It seems to me that it is too rigid and demanding, but perhaps I’m the barbarian!
GENTLE READER: A full meal for a children’s party is not a requirement (especially if the party is not at mealtime), but if this is the way your wife prefers to entertain, then neither you nor Miss Manners should stand in her way. Nor should we object to her abstaining this year because she is too exhausted to do it.
But as your daughter gets older, she will have her own thoughts about skipping her birthday party because Mommy does not wish to feed the entire town. At that point, you may want to tell her that cake and a beverage are perfectly acceptable — and proper — children’s birthday party fare.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: On behalf of older parents, I would like to inquire how to handle being mistaken for my children’s grandmother. (Granted, the ages involved make it technically possible for me to be a grandmother to my tween and young teen sons.)
Please note that where I live, a lot of moms are older, so I mostly get these assumptions and questions when traveling. A border officer almost became combative when I pushed back against him calling me “Granny” in front of my sons.
And I am still stung when I recall a 60ish woman sharply but rhetorically questioning me in front of my sons during an otherwise pleasant visit to a tourist attraction: “You’re the mother?!!!?” The cutting harshness of her tone still hurts. (People often say I look youthful; apparently, she disagreed.)
I have also experienced this in a few business settings. Personnel should not always assume a middle-aged woman is a grandmother, rather than a mother. How should older moms and dads respond in these sorts of scenarios?
GENTLE READER: By saying, “I’m their grandmother’s daughter.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin