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Dear Amy: I am wondering whether I am being too sensitive.
My mother and sister passed away a year ago. Both had terminal cancer and suffered enormously prior to passing away.
Nice folks have expressed their “condolences.”
For some reason, I am not comfortable with this term (although I appreciate it).
I would prefer that they instead tell me that they are sorry that this has happened, or say nothing and just give me a soft look of understanding.
Somehow the word “condolences” sounds too pat, too overused, as if folks want to get this over with as soon as possible.
I realize that most folks are not comfortable expressing their responses to one’s sorrows – they feel helpless – so I may be expecting too much.
What do you think?
– Still Grieving
Dear Grieving: The word “condolence” may sound too formal to you, but remember that unlike many other expressions, such as “I’m sorry,” or “that’s terrible,” the word “condolence” is only used in response to a death. Perhaps it sounds insincere to you because you never hear it used otherwise, and then after a death, you hear it used multiple times.
But I think you are expecting too much. Not everyone can manage to communicate through “a soft look of understanding,” and for many grieving people, silence leaves them more bereft. Thoughtful people know they should try to say something to a grieving person, and yet the words don’t always come easily.
My advice to you is to treat others the way you should make sure to treat yourself during this very challenging period in your life: with a spirit of gentle loving kindness.
This is hard to do when you are sad and suffering, but harshly judging others’ expressions won’t help you.
Dear Amy: Four years ago, my daughter and son-in-law cut off all contact with me.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I had relapsed and moved in with my sister. She and I got into a fight, so I moved out, but I didn’t have anywhere to go so I asked my daughter if I could stay with her and her husband until I found a place.
They let me stay with them, but were angry about it.
After two weeks with them I moved back in with my sister, which was a mistake. To make a long story short, I started drinking again and tried to kill myself.
I went to a behavioral health center and got help. Now I am doing great, but they still won’t talk to me.
I have been sending cards to them for birthdays and Christmas. I don’t know what else to do. My daughter is my only child.
I have been sober for four years now, and I go to AA meetings.
Your advice?
– Sober Mother
Dear Sober: You have been through a lot, and your family members have also been pulled through the wringer.
You are participating in your continued recovery by attending AA meetings (good for you!), so presumably you are familiar with the ninth “step” in this famous 12-step program.
This has to do with making amends to people you and your addiction have harmed.
Have you made sincere amends to the people in your life? If not, you should do so now, through a genuine inventory, detailing specific episodes you now regret, and asking these family members to tell you whatever is on their hearts, and hopefully to embark on their own path toward forgiveness. Your sponsor or other members of your AA fellowship might offer guidance and support with this process.
You might also suggest that your family members join an Al-Anon group, in order to try to come to terms with your drinking and its extreme consequences.
After making these efforts, you should then continue to work on rebuilding your life and embrace your own willingness to forgive – both them and yourself.
Dear Amy: I cringed reading your cold and heartless response to “Conflicted Heart.”
You victim-blamed and ruthlessly shamed this poor woman.
Yes, she and her daughter are/were in harm’s way because of her boyfriend. You aren’t wrong in your analysis there. It’s obvious that the best thing is to cut all contact with this guy to preserve this family’s physical and mental well-being.
However, there are so many other ways to say that. Abuse is never the victim’s fault.
– Disappointed by Your Cruelty
Dear Disappointed: Abuse is not the victim’s fault! But avoiding future abuse is a parent’s responsibility.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
Originally published at Amy Dickinson