Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends who always arrive between 20 and 45 minutes early for parties. They send me a text when they arrive, saying that they will wait in their car until the appointed time.
It seems rude to respond that yes, they may wait in the car, so instead, I invite them to come in while I finish getting things ready. Knowing this always happens, I try to have everything ready an hour early — but then, by the time the other guests start arriving, the hot things are cold and the cold things are warm.
Would it be acceptable to hold off on putting out the food until the appointed time? I hesitate because it would leave the early arrivals sitting alone while I return to the kitchen. This seems rude, but what is one to do?
GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with serving the food at the scheduled time, she would also understand if you — with appropriate and sincere apologies — leave your too-early friends outside, and explain, when they arrive on the dot, that while they were texting, you were busy rushing to get everything done.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend from high school has reached out to me.
This means that he made the effort to specifically track down my phone number to send me a text. I don’t have any social media presence, in part due to a lack of interest, but also to avoid these sorts of situations.
He was never a close friend to begin with, and I am not going to resume any sort of relationship with him.
I know the polite course of action would be to chat with him, make a small effort to express enthusiasm I don’t feel for his having contacted me, and quite possibly end up making plans to get brunch or whatever.
That ain’t happening.
I’ve no interest in small talk, I’m not going to share anything about my life with this person, and I have no curiosity about what they’ve been up to in the last few decades. That’s harsh, but it’s the honest truth of the matter.
So which of these is the less impolite option: telling this old acquaintance I’m not interested in continuing any level of friendship, or just not responding at all?
I don’t like ghosting people, but replying to a request for friendship with “no thanks, I’m good,” is also kind of a bummer.
GENTLE READER: Is showing some minimal civility to someone you describe as an old friend really such a burden?
Note that Miss Manners does not include under that banner a requirement that you report back about your life, have brunch or, while you are at it, get married and buy a house together.
All you need do is text back, “Nice to hear from you.” This need not be done immediately. And if there is a follow-up, your subsequent responses can take longer and longer — until your old friend gets the idea without your having to smack him.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin