Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine was engaged for months. Then she and her fiance had a misunderstanding and he asked for the ring back. She returned it.
He has since found the error of his ways and gave her the ring again.
I say she needs a new ring, or at least an altered one — have that one remounted or somehow changed. After all, he wouldn’t use a ring he had first given to someone else. I say when he asked for it back, it terminated the contract of marriage, and therefore this is a new engagement and needs a new ring.
Who is right?
GENTLE READER: Are you planning to be part of this marriage? Or are you only the couple’s jeweler?
Perhaps the couple sees that ring as symbolizing the welcome return of the harmony of their early engagement. Or as a rock that remains solid despite any troubles.
In any case, Miss Manners does not consider pressing your unpleasant theory of The Tainted Ring to be an act of friendship.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m pregnant and want to have a party celebrating this new stage in life.
I do not want any gifts. I do not want the burden of hosting to fall on another person. I definitely do not want to do a gimmicky “gender reveal.” I just want to host a party celebrating this moment.
What on earth do I call this party? It’s not a shower; it’s not a gender reveal. What is a name for this party that conveys the purpose without being clunky?
GENTLE READER: Why do people believe that parties have to have names? Probably because the name suggests that presents are due.
But that is not your intention, and there is no such need. You can just invite people over for a good time, and if you have something to celebrate, you can create a sensation by announcing it to them there.
That is how the traditional engagement party used to work: The parents threw a party and then announced the engagement by offering a toast to the new couple. Presents for an engagement were not customary.
They do seem to be now, as at every self-celebration. But if you announce your pregnancy at a party, people will protest that if they had known, they would have brought you something. Never mind — your object of a non-gimmicky, non-greedy celebration will have been achieved.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m newly sober — a long time coming — and wondering if it’s still required to bring a bottle of wine when I’ve been invited to dine. I’m happy to do this, but just curious about protocol.
GENTLE READER: Bringing wine was never required. Traditionally, it was even considered somewhat insulting, as if the host could not be counted on to provide a decent drink. Flowers or candy were the usual choices.
But Miss Manners understands why you thought otherwise, now that guests assume that they must contribute to the actual meals in their hosts’ homes. Bringing wine — if not a course of the dinner — has become commonplace, even though it may not go with the food and may not be enough for the number of guests. It makes hosts feel they must serve it anyway.
But they are not obliged to serve it, and you are not obliged to bring it in the first place.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin