Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got into a spat with the head of social events at an embassy.
She is annoyed that I brought my wife as a “plus one” to an embassy event to which I had been invited. It was celebrating a royal birthday.
She insisted that it was a work event, not one for spouses to attend. I fully accept that, for her, it was a work event, and I also concede that I was probably invited because of my line of business.
But was I wrong to bring my wife?
GENTLE READER: As a veteran of embassy parties, Miss Manners can assure you that they are not held because ambassadors are seeking convivial company with whom to relax. Nevertheless, that is the fiction.
With all business-related social events, the idea is to create strategic goodwill for the organization the host represents. An embassy’s entertainment budget, therefore, is intended to be used to the country’s advantage, not the staff’s amusement.
But as such occasions are cloaked in the trappings of real, often lavish, social events, social manners prevail.
The embassy representative did her employer a disservice by throwing off the veil and revealing the crasser situation, although you both were already aware of it.
Miss Manners hopes that the country in question is not in such terrible financial shape as to be threatened by one more mouth around the hors d’oeuvres.
And you were also wrong: You knew you were invited for business reasons, not for your charm and good looks. And while couples should be invited together, by social standards, it is still not permitted to bring someone not mentioned on the invitation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a certain family friend shows up, he often grimaces and says, “What’s that smell?”
This happens in the car, at the house, in stores. It’s off-putting and uncomfortable.
When asked, he can never identify the smell, but only continues to grimace and say, “I don’t know, but it’s awful,” or “You don’t smell that?”
I dread these interactions, which feel mean-spirited, and I don’t know how to respond.
It happens to me and to my kids, whether we see this person individually or as a group. When other guests are present, they are often confused about these comments, too.
How do I shut this down or disengage?
GENTLE READER: Presumably, your friend has an unusually sensitive sense of smell, if not of tact. You must put it to work. The sense of smell, that is.
Such a complaint, even if made much more discreetly, carries the obligation to identify the source. So your response should be a barrage of: “Where is it coming from? What does it smell like? No, I want to trace it. You have to help me.”
Miss Manners suggests that if there are no satisfactory answers found, you then say, “You so often have this problem, which nobody else does. Could it be something on you?”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin