Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just after Thanksgiving each year, my young nieces send out a letter to the extended family that contains their “Letter to Santa,” outlining the things they would like as gifts.
Sometimes the letters are very cute. My husband and his siblings grew up with these letters as a tradition, and I don’t mind receiving them.
What I don’t want is for my kids to write similar letters. I don’t like them getting used to the idea that they can just make lists of things other people should get for them. Quietly I believe this leads to overuse of gift registries later in life.
But my in-laws have requested lists from my children. How do I explain that this isn’t something we’re going to do, without making it seem like negative commentary on other people’s parenting?
I’ve tried suggesting the relatives talk with my kids and see what they are into lately, but that hasn’t gone very far.
GENTLE READER: Then why not tell them yourself? “Well, Noah is into dinosaurs right now, and Ruby is into cars, although she also wants to be a scientist. So I’m sure any sort of book or toy on those subjects would be perfect.” And then Miss Manners suggests you keep nattering on until your in-laws wish they had not asked.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that I’m widowed, I am eating breakfast out with friends more frequently.
Eggs often need a little salt, but not always, and restaurant saltshakers often deposit too much at once.
What I prefer is to taste the food first, and then if salt is needed, I sprinkle some into one hand. I then pinch some with my other hand, distributing as needed. A “high sprinkle” gives the widest distribution. If there is extra salt left in my hand, I dump it in a little mound away from the food.
At least one companion has seemed strangely fascinated by my salt habits.
I have tried to start with a mound of salt and dip each bite into that, but of course this is usually too much salt, too localized.
Am I within civilized bounds to use my clean, dry hands?
GENTLE READER: While this practice is practical and as sanitary as any other method, Miss Manners still finds it less than … savory.
A quick sprinkle on your hand to test the acceleration of the salt is fine if you can hide it. But Miss Manners supposes that if you can get away with that, you can probably also get away with depositing it from your hand onto the food.
It is what you do with the rest of it that is giving Miss Manners pause. Mounds of salt on the plate or remnants scattered on the floor are both unappetizing and potentially dangerous.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation states “black tie” for a 4:30 p.m. wedding. The bridesmaids are wearing long black gowns. Is it acceptable for women guests to wear long black dresses?
GENTLE READER: No. And not just because etiquette and Miss Manners condemn it (black looks funereal at a wedding, and black tie and long dresses for guests should only be worn after 6 p.m.). But at this wedding, you will also be confused for a bridesmaid.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin