Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I was a little girl, I have dutifully removed my cap during the national anthem at a ballgame.
Now, someone tells me that women are never supposed to remove their hats during the song. Have I been doing it wrong the last 40 years?
GENTLE READER: Forty years ago, you might have been. No, make that 60 years ago, when anyone other than Miss Manners and horse racing fans might have worn the type of hat to which this rule referred. (That would be something involving straw, flowers, birds, ribbons and whatever else might go into a fetching concoction perched on a lady’s head.)
Just as different religions use different symbols (see below), there were different rules for ladies and gentlemen. A lady was not expected to remove her fanciful hat to show respect the way a gentleman was expected to do by removing his much-less-interesting headgear.
But you have been wearing a unisex cap — presumably a baseball or military cap — and the rule about ladies’ hats does not apply to those. You can congratulate yourself on 40 years of correctness.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the reason for men removing their hats during the national anthem? Is it to show submission to God, as when entering a church?
If so, what is the etiquette for a Jewish man who shows submission to God by wearing something on his head?
GENTLE READER: Now that people are using the word “literally” when they mean its opposite, it seems to be time for a refresher course in the nonliteral language of symbolism.
Symbolism is a useful way of conveying ideas and rules succinctly. But the symbols are arbitrarily chosen, and we have to agree on what they mean.
For example, we all know that a red traffic light means “stop,” a green one means “go,” and a yellow one — well, there seems to be some confusion here. Miss Manners knows people who think it means “speed up,” but traffic police disagree.
Whoever invented that system could have designated purple as “stop” and teal as “go.” It would work equally well, provided everyone learned and accepted the meanings.
Although the hat symbolism is different, the meaning of each is known to the communities involved, who have the task of explaining it to any outsiders in attendance.
For the national anthem, removing the hat is a symbolic gesture of loyalty to the country.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to someone who uses “I love you” when ending a phone conversation?
In the past, this has happened to me when talking with (usually female) acquaintances, but it just happened with a male client for whom I am a caregiver.
Coming from an inexpressive family, I admit I am just not used to using the phrase so casually. “I love you” is an important and very personal declaration to me — one I only use with my spouse and my dog.
Do I respond to these strange signoffs with a false declaration of affection, such as “I love you, too”? Or maybe “I’m sure you do” or “Thank you”?
My head spins with possibilities, all of which seem either inappropriate or upsetting to the person who declared this affection.
GENTLE READER: Try “Awwww.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally published at Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin